Homecoming/Family Life

1. Since returning home, I'm having trouble "fitting in" to my family life, what can I do?
   
   
2. Now that I'm home, how can I get back into being a part of my children's lives?
   
   
3. What are some of the normal issues that returnees and their families have to deal with?
   
   
4. What should I expect when my loved one returns home from the warzone or other traumatic situation?
   
   
5. Our family is trying to cope with our loved one who has problems since being in combat. What can we do for ourselves?
   
   
6. How does traumatic stress reactions affect families?
   
   
7. What can family members do to care for themselves?
   
   
8. How can family members help their loved one who has suffered a traumatic event?
   
   
9. After a traumatic event, how can you tell when a person needs professional help?
   
   
10. I/my loved one often avoid(s) people, places, situations, even family members. Why is this, and what can be done for it?
    
    
11. My partner is having trouble transitioning to being home. What can I do to help?
    
    

1.  Since returning home, I'm having trouble "fitting in" to my family life, what can I do?

• Be supportive of good things your family has done.
• Take time to talk with your spouse and children.
• Make individual time for each child and your spouse.
• Go slowly when reestablishing your place in the family.
• Be prepared to make some adjustments.
• Romantic conversation can lead to more enjoyable sex.
• Make your savings last longer.
• Take time to listen and to talk with loved ones.
• Go easy on partying.
  

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2.  Now that I'm home, how can I get back into being a part of my children's lives?

• Go slowly. Adapt to the rules and routines already in place.
• Let the child set the pace for getting to know you again.
• Learn from how your spouse managed the children while you were away.
• Be available to your child, both with time and with your emotions.
• Delay making changes in rules and routines for a few weeks.
• Expect that the family will not be the same as before you left; everyone has changed.
• Focus on successes with your children; limit your criticisms.
• Encourage children to tell you about what happened during the separation.
• Make individual time for each child.
  

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3.  What are some of the normal issues that returnees and their families have to deal with?

• You may miss the excitement of the deployment for a while.
• Some things may have changed while you were gone. 
• Face-to-face communication may be hard at first.
• Sexual closeness may also be awkward at first.
• Children will have grown and may be different in many ways.
• Roles may have changed to manage basic household chores.
• Spouses may have become more independent and learned new coping skills.
• Spouses may have new friends and support systems.
• You may have changed in your outlook and priorities in life.
• You may want to talk about what you saw and did. Others may seem not to want to listen.  Or you may not want to talk about it when others keep asking.
  

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4.  What should I expect when my loved one returns home from the warzone or other traumatic situation?

• Your warrior may have changed.
• The warrior, used to the open spaces of the field, may feel closed in.
• Warriors also may be overwhelmed by the noise and confusion of home life.
• Warriors may be on a different schedule for sleeping and eating (jet lag).
• Warriors may wonder if they still fit into the family.
• Warriors may want to take back all the responsibilities they had before they left.
• Warriors may feel hurt when young children are slow to hug them.
  

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5.  Our family is trying to cope with our loved one who has problems since being in combat. What can we do for ourselves?

• Become educated about such problems as depression, stress responses, and PTSD.
• Take time to listen to all family members and show them that you care.
• Spend time with other people. Coping is easier with support from others, including extended family, friends, church groups, or other community groups.
• Join or develop a support group.
• Take care of yourself.  Family members frequently devote themselves totally to those they care for and, in the process, neglect their own needs.
• Pay attention to yourself.
• Watch your diet and exercise, and get plenty of rest.
• Take time to do things that feel good to you.
• Try to maintain family routines, such as dinner together, church, or sports outings.
• If needed, get professional help as early as possible, and get back in touch with treatment providers if things worsen after treatment has ended.
  

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6.  How does traumatic stress reactions affect families?

• Stress reactions may interfere with a service member's ability to trust and be emotionally close to others. As a result, families may feel emotionally cut off from the service member.
• A returning war veteran may feel irritable and have difficulty communicating, which may make it hard to get along with him or her.
• A returning veteran may experience a loss of interest in family social activities.
• Veterans with PTSD may lose interest in sex and feel distant from their spouses.
• Traumatized war veterans often feel that something terrible may happen "out of the blue" and can become preoccupied with trying to keep themselves and family members safe.
• Just as war veterans are often afraid to address what happened to them, family members are frequently fearful of examining the traumatic events as well. Family members may want to avoid talking about the trauma or related problems. They may avoid talking because they want to spare the survivor further pain or because they are afraid of his or her reaction.
• Family members may feel hurt, alienated, or discouraged because the veteran has not been able to overcome the effects of the trauma. Family members may become angry or feel distant from the veteran.
  

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7.  What can family members do to care for themselves?

• Become educated about combat stress reactions and PTSD.
• Take time to listen to all family members and show them that you care.
• Spend time with other people. Coping is easier with support from others, including extended family, friends, church groups, or other community groups.
• Join or develop a support group.
• Take care of yourself.  Family members frequently devote themselves totally to those they care for and, in the process, neglect their own needs. Pay attention to yourself.  Watch your diet and exercise, and get plenty of rest. Take time to do things that feel good to you.
• Try to maintain family routines, such as dinner together, church, or sports outings.
• If needed, get professional help as early as possible, and get back in touch with treatment providers if things worsen after treatment has ended.
  

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8.  How can family members help their loved one who has suffered a traumatic event?

The primary source of support for the returning soldier is likely to be his or her family. Families can help the veteran not withdraw from others. Families can provide companionship and a sense of belonging, which can help counter the veteran's feeling of separateness because of his or her experiences. Families can provide practical and emotional support for coping with life stressors.

Coping with stressful events is easier when people support each other. If the survivor wants to talk about what happened and how he or she is feeling and you are not too upset by hearing about it, make yourself available to listen. Help the person get back to everyday routines. Help the survivor break big problems into segments and help him or her set small goals in order to eventually solve those problems. Help survivors get away from the stress of the event and their memories and loss. Suggest things that might be good distractions like watching a funny movie, reading a novel, doing artwork, playing sports, or working on a hobby.

If the survivor is still very distressed and doesn't seem to be getting any better after a month, help them consider getting help from a mental-health professional.  If the veteran agrees, it is important for family members to participate in treatment. It is also important to talk about how the posttraumatic stress is affecting the family and what the family can do about it. Adult family members should also let their loved ones know that they are willing to listen if the service member would like to talk about war experiences. Family members should talk with treatment providers about how they can help in the recovery effort.

For more information, see "Resources for the Public" at www.istss.org and read "When a Friend or Loved One Has Been Traumatized."

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9.  After a traumatic event, how can you tell when a person needs professional help?

• A person may need extra help coping if a month after the attack he or she:
• Still feels very upset or fearful most of the time
• Acts very differently compared to before the trauma
• Can't work at all or take care of kids or home
• Has important relationships that are continuing to get worse
• Uses drugs or drinks too much
• Feels jumpy or has nightmares a lot
• Still can't stop thinking about the attack
• Still can't enjoy life at all
  

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10.  I/my loved one often avoid(s) people, places, situations, even family members. Why is this, and what can be done for it?

Human beings move toward things that are pleasurable and tend to move away from things that bring displeasure or pain---things such as reminders of traumatic events.  Individuals with traumatic stress reactions often avoid such things as:

• people who might physically remind them of a traumatic event
• conversations that might bring up reminders of past events
• situations that remind them, in some way, of the event
• family members who might want to be "emotionally close"
• family gatherings
• going where there are large groups of people (for examples--to the movies or to plays, or ball games)

Remember, you/your loved one is a traumatized person who is trying to cope with the world that was forever changed as a result of the traumatic experience. For family members-try to not take these types of behaviors personally.

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11.  My partner is having trouble transitioning to being home. What can I do to help?

• Go slowly in making adjustments.
• It is okay if you and your soldier need time apart at first, don't rush things.
• Avoid scheduling too many activities.
• Remind your loved one that he or she is still needed in the family.
• Discuss splitting up family chores.
• Stick to your budget until you've had time to talk it through.
• Along with time for the family, make individual time to talk just to each other.
• Be patient with yourself and your partner.
  

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